The CyberPlainsmen Underground Newswire

LHS REMEMBERS BLACK HISTORY

2006-02-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

In celebration of Black History Month, LHS has decided to try out indentured servitude of its students.

At this years LHS Honors Recgnition the Bakery Skills classes will be delighted to serve entrees and other delicous treats whether or not they are willed to do so.

The Honors Rocgnition Ceremon recognizes students' outstanding academic acheivement. Sophomores, juniors, and seniors must have maintained a 3.5 or better GPA to be recgonized for awesome-tude.

Thus, the bakery classes will play role of slave cooks to the aristrocratic smarty-pants type kids, who will be taking the role of the elite.

Robet Schimek, bakery instructor, stated, "Its really imporant we force theses kids against their will to cook for other people, using ingredients bought for teaching."

This teaching philosophy is folowed to the tee. Schimek has her students cater dishes for faculty meetings and buisness engagements.

One of the students involved was found preparing cucumbers for the event that will happen on April 3rd. When asked if they had an opinion on the method of teaching, Riley Urbanski said, "No, mas'a."

The Honors cermony is sure to go off well, celebrating all those students who managed to get "A"s in pottery and weightlifting, a truly difficult and demanding class load.

BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN SLACKERS...

2006-01-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

Mike and I decided to publish a couple of shorts. You can find them below. Leave a comment, say hi, or otherwise just enjoy.

Included titles are:
--HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS MARRY AT MCDONALDS
--TEACHER UNABLE TO ATTEND SCHOOL, LOOKING FOR WHATEVER IS BEEPING
--FRENCH TEACHER FORCES STUDENT TO SPEAK IN FRENCH

--Joshua

HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS MARRY AT MCDONALDS

2006-01-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

Call it a McMarriage. A couple from LHS actually tied the knot in a Mcdonald's drive-thru.

It looked like a regular fast food run at first - at least, until the priest showed up.

Through the same window all those Happy Meals pass, the groom took the hand of his fiance like a hungry man looking for a Big Mac.

The two LHS seniors had there very first lunch together three years earlier at the drive through, and in a white-trash romance announced their engagement at the order microphone, and tied the knot at the pick-up window.

Amid sobs from the boys mother, a hail of french fires replacd traditional throws of rice.

The culmanation of the event was when the newlywed wife tossed a cheeseburger bouqet back to the crowd.

TEACHER UNABLE TO ATTEND SCHOOL, LOOKING FOR WHATEVER IS BEEPING

2006-01-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

Meaghan Gibson, LHS Social Stuides teacher, has spent 20 minutes searching her apartment for whatever the hell is emitting a high-pitched beep every few minutes.

"Okay, it's not my cell phone... it's not my microwave... or my car-alarm remote," said Gibson, standing motionless with an ear cocked toward her entertainment center.

"God, what is it? Can a power strip beep?"

At press time, Gibson was on her hands and knees, unplugging her appliances one by one.

FRENCH TEACHER FORCES STUDENT TO SPEAK IN FRENCH

2006-01-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

Jenny Block, a LHS tenth-grader, attempted to tell French teacher Mrs. Kirkwood about a fire in the girls' second-floor bathroom Monday, only to be ordered to speak French.

"En français," Kirkwood told the frantic, wildly gesticulating Block. "S'il y a un feu dans le WC, dites-moi dans la langue propre. D'accord?"

Block then tried to say, "Allyson Dorner threw a lit cigarette in the garbage, and it burst into flames, and now there's a huge fire spreading all over the bathroom!" in French, but got stuck on the word for "threw."

Half of an hour later, only 6 students had suffered from serious burns.

CELL PHONE LOST, FOUND, ALL IN THRILLING FOUR-MINUTE PERIOD

2005-12-25T10:00:00.012-07:00

Emotions quickly changed from panic to joy for Laramie High senior Lauren Jenkins when she lost, searched for, and found her Nokia 6230 Verizon Wireless cell phone Tuesday.

"All of a sudden, my phone was gone!" said Jenkins, 17, who was headed for her second block AP Lit class when she realized the cell phone was no longer in her right pants pocket. "I was like, 'Omigod!' I looked through my coat and dug through my entire backpack, but it wasn't anywhere."

By the time Jenkins failed her search of the backpack, 48 seconds had passed.

"My heart was racing," Jenkins said. "I mentally went through all of the places I'd been since leaving my last class: the bathroom on the second floor, the bench out in front of the Main Office, by the vending machines where I saw my friend Julliane."

Continued Jenkins: "I stopped right there in the middle of the sidewalk for a few seconds, took a deep breath to calm my nerves, and tried to think. That's when I remembered taking it out to see what time it was when I was at school cafeteria!"

Scanning the ground for any sign of her small, silver camera-phone as she walked, Jenkins retraced the 350 feet back to the cafeteria.

"All the way, I was visualizing the hours it would take to enter all my phone numbers into a new phone," Jenkins said. "And that's for the ones I remember. A lot of the numbers would be, like, totally gone forever."

Jenkins added that she hadn't "even wanted to think about" all the ring tones and camera-phone photos she'd lose.

With the search entering its second minute, Jenkins went into the cafeteria, where she said she saw the dirty plate and glass she'd left in the dish tray a few minutes before, after consuming a bannana smoothie and a poppy-seed bagel.

As the search dragged on into its 200th second, Jenkins said she continued to consider the magnitude of the hassle that a lost cell phone would create.

"I knew I wouldn't have time to shop for a new phone until the weekend, so I'd be phoneless for a few days," Jenkins said. "Also, I'd been considering whether to switch from Verizon Wireless to another carrier, but I really didn't want to have to rush that decision."

Jenkins went to the table where she'd been sitting, tapped the shoulder of one of the two females seated there, and asked permission to look around for her phone.

"Oh, is that it?" the woman said, and Jenkins spotted her familiar silver phone under a chair.

"I was like, 'Yes!'" Jenkins said. "Every ounce of stress drained from my body."

According to her, it was only when she located the cell phone that she noticed her clenched teeth, tensed neck muscles, and sweaty palms.

"I let all that tension go," Jenkins, "It was a magical feeling."

Jenkins slipped into a bean bag chair in Nicole Elder's room and tried to catch her breath. Slumped in her seat, she said she scanned the faces of her classmates as they leafed through notebooks, chatted, and laughed.

"The other students had no idea what I'd just been through," Jenkinsz said. "It was such a relief when Ms. Elder started class, so I could zone out and try to forget the whole thing."

----------------------------------------------

Happy Holidays, folks.

GUMMI BEARS BANNED, DEEMED 'TOO VIOLENT'

2005-12-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

Today, the administration officially banned any form of “gummy bear or gummy animals” from LHS.

The latest in a rather large series of bans comes from the office of Mr. Handley after seeing a report on teenage violence and aggression.

“The report said that kids actually get more aggressive from playing with toy weapons and beating up stuffed animals,” Mr. Handley explained, “it just made sense that the same could be said about horribly mutilating food animals, and I will not stand for any aggression in my hallways.”

The ban has been praised by quasi-PETA, the organization dedicated to the quasi-ethical treatment of quasi-animal like things. According to a quasi-PETA press release, the ban is getting a quasi-step closer to respecting all quasi-animal like items.

“The administration of LHS has made a quasi-courageous move and is quasi-helping restore the quasi-reverence that should be paid to quasi-animal like things.”

When asked why the administration is making all these nonsensical bans, Mr. Sorenson responded, “Why not? Who is going to stop us? You? HA!”

According to an unnamed administrative assistant, “They’re at it again.”

QUIDDITCH LOVER SAVAGELY BEATEN IN CAFETERIA

2005-11-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

A frail, unpopular fifteen-year old male sophomore was brutally beaten yesterday by other children at LHS cafeteria yesterday.

The pummeling came after the boy proudly stated to all who could hear that is favorite sport is “quidditch” – the made-up game played by Harry Potter in the popular J.K. Rowling book series.

The child, Robby Lyman – an honor role student who was known to dress up like Potter, was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. He will be buried on Friday, surrounded for eternity by his beloved Harry Potter books.

Quidditch is a fictional airborne ballgame played on broomsticks, and the most popular “sport” of the wizard world. Potter plays for a team from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy and quidditch action is featured again prominently in the sixth book of the series: “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince,” which was released July 16th.

Police say Lyman was simply contributing his two cents to cafeteria conversation that centered on what sports the students were going to compete in, when he was attacked.

“Children were saying what their favorites were,” said Sgt. Eugene Myers. “Most were saying football or baseball. Some basketball or hockey or lacrosse or soccer.

Student Jesse Kiedle quotes Lyman as saying completely seriously, "My favorite sport is quidditch. It is played by Harry Potter and other wizards at the Hogwarts School and I want to be a wizard one day and compete professionally alongside Harry. It is my heart’s desire."

The nerdiness and dorkosity of that statement so overwhelmed the other children that after a moment of stunned silence, they suddenly sprang up as one and began raining their fists down upon him.

The boy was so bludgeoned in the attack that he was barely recognizable. His circular glasses smashed and cut his face and then were shoved down his throat. He was brutally bruised and bloodied over his entire torso when the children pulled a broomstick from a nearby janitor closet and beat him with it. He was split in half all the way up to his rib cage thanks to receiving wedgie after wedgie during the five-minute attack.

“I’ve seen some nerd-bashing in my 16 years on the teaching staff, but this takes the cake,” said teacher Brad Helter. “The poor little sophomore never even had a chance. He didn’t even fight back. He just yelled out spells. Obviously, they didn’t work. I’m guessing his last thoughts may have been him realizing that Harry Potter doesn’t actually exist.”

Police expect to bring charges against the more than two dozen children who are thought to have been in on the attack. But it is expected that most will be charged only with low level juvenile misdemeanors.

“No one wants to ruin these kids lives because they had a violent response to a complete nerd behaving at the height of nerdness,” said Sgt. Myers, apolicemen that was on the scene. “It’s a natural human reaction. Sure, it got out of hand, but come on – the friggin’ kid actually thought quidditch is a real sport.”

NERD'S PARENTS AFRAID SON WILL FALL IN WITH POPULAR CROWD

2005-11-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

Lawrence and Marcia Sprouse expressed concern Monday that their 15-year-old son Adam, after years of being a social outcast, is in danger of falling in with the popular crowd at LHS.

"All the signs point to him getting involved with the popular kids," Marcia said. "The last few Saturday nights, instead of staying home and watching a movie, he's been out at parties. He's also been hanging around this boy who's on the school baseball team. Parties, hanging out with jocks—what's become of my baby boy?"

Primary among the Sprouses' worries is the prospect of Adam being exposed to drugs and alcohol.

"I'm not naïve about what goes on with these kids who aren't in the AP classes," Marcia said. "They stay up late, laughing and drinking beer and socializing without any parental supervision. Sometimes, they even experiment with pot. I just hope this socializing phase passes, and that Adam will soon be back to hanging out in the basement playing Risk with his old friends."

The Sprouses' sense of alarm grew when Adam, who almost exclusively wore T-shirts and slacks, began taking a greater interest in his appearance.

"The last time we went shopping, he asked for designer jeans," Marcia said. "When I got upset, he said all the kids at school wore designer jeans and that it wasn't a big deal. Well, peer pressure may not be a big deal to him, but it is to me. He won't even let me cut his hair because I 'do it dorky.' The next thing you know, he's going to be cutting out of those advanced-calculus classes he's been taking at the community college and joining a fraternity."

"It seems like only yesterday, our little Adam would stay in his room all day reading comic books and playing with his computer," Marcia continued. "Now, he'll try almost anything. Where did we go wrong?"

(In addition, CPUG news applogises for the delay for new stories, we are working to correct these problems)

ADMINISTRATION BANS THE TUBE TOP

2005-10-19T10:00:00.000-06:00

The popular female attire known as the “tube top” has been banned within the halls of LHS.

Principal Kim Sorenson announced the latest in a long series of bans last Tuesday. In that announcement, Mr. Sorenson explained that “the tube top is evil and mean, in bad taste, it is funny looking; strapless and skintight. That is why I am banning the tube top today.”

When asked how he could justify the statements condemning tube tops, Sorenson explained that this information came from a high official, possibly even a super attendant.

But according to Arron Barttlet, Ska enthusiast, this latest ban is just a colossal misunderstanding.

“My friends and I wanted to play some new music on the SEB announcement channel,” Arron explained, “Just about any kind of music is better then what they typically play, But what we really wanted was some good Ska, such as Reel Big Fish, Mad Caddies, and Goldfinger.”

“But we were told we had to submit the lyrics to Mr. Sorenson for approval, “Arron further explained, “he must have ignored where the paper came from, and mistook the song lyrics from Reel Big Fish’s ‘Ban the Tube Top’ too literally.”

After extensive comparison between the lyrics of the song, and the announcement made by Mr. Sorenson, they were found to be almost identical, but Mr. Sorenson’s was slightly less catchy.

Mr. Sorenson was unable to be reached for further comments, but according to his secretary, the ban will stay in place, seeing as no one could wear tube tops in Laramie if they wanted to.

TWO SENIORS CHARGED WITH HAMBURGLARY

2005-10-17T22:00:00.000-06:00

Did they want fries with that? Two men were charged with burglary after they allegedly broke into a Burger King restaurant and tried to steal food.

Michael Eugene and Carl Walker, both 18, walked up to the restaurant's drive-through window late yesterday evening and asked for any unsold food the restaurant planned to throw away, Laramie said policemen Sgt. Brad Wnuk.

When Burger King employees told them the restaurant was closed, one of the men allegedly pried open the window and climbed at least part of the way into the restaurant, where workers called 911 and fled into the kitchen.

"The employees were afraid they would be robbed," Wnuk said.

The two were arrested shortly after the incident, and denied any involvement, according to court documents.

STORY UPDATE: SCHOOL NO LONGER IN DANGER OF BEING SOLD

2005-10-05T10:00:00.000-06:00

Laramie High school is no longer in danger of being sold on Ebay after failing to get any bids.

The school was listed for sale on the popular online auctions website for a meager five thousand dollars, but no bids were placed on the building, though a number of interested parties considered it.

McDonalds executive Lary Grant said that at one point they had considered buying the building. “I mean imagine it! McStudents! Brilliant!” Mr. Grant said. But McDonalds decided that their money would be better placed in a new slogan to replace the dragging “I’m lovin’ it”.

Also CPUG news mulled over buying the ageing school, enabling the fine news source to become the “official” Cyber Plainsman, and firing the current cyber plainsmen staff. “We could have done it, but we decided that we, as ethical journalists and editors, just didn’t want to be associated with that… thing,” Editor of the cyber plainsmen underground Joshua Skinner said.

So the administration is stuck with the school once again. What new and diabolical plots could they have in store for the unsuspecting (except the CPUG staff and readers) students of LHS? Only they know, though according to the unnamed administration assistant, “It has something to do with walking backwards.”

ROTH TO HAVE SURGURY

2005-10-03T10:00:00.000-06:00

Journalism and newspaper teacher Mr. Roth is going in for surgery early next week to fix his extreme case of ‘facialis disperplexia’.

The rare and disfiguring condition affects those who have been in a teaching or public service job where they must try to be humorous. ‘Facialis disperplexia’ inhibits the victims’ ability to match their facial expressions with what they are saying.

In the case of Mr. Roth this has become quite evident the past few weeks. Trying to say a joke he scowls at the entire class, and when talking about the quite serious death of a well-known person, the class breaks out in laughter.

“I’ve known about it for quite some time, but I didn’t think that it had become such an issue. But since the beginning of this new school year it has just gotten wore. I finally had to admit to my classes that I was going to buy signs that would say whether I was joking or being serious.”

These signs were a good temporary solution but were unable to convey a wide array of emotions including anger and fear. “I was yelling at a journalism student about how he shouldn’t touch the computer, but the best sign I had for the conversation was ‘applause’.

The surgery is expected to be routine and Mr. Roth is anticipated to make a full recovery.

JUNIOR FAILS TO FORWARD CHAIN LETTER, HAS VERY VERY BAD LUCK

2005-09-30T10:00:00.000-06:00

Investigations into the disappearance of LHS junior, Damien Barret, led police to his computer where they discovered several chain letter e-mails neglected and unforwarded.

The police discovery led searchers to look into Barret’s past for any signs of bad luck that could be caused by such careless disregard for chain letters.

Barret’s medical records show that he has had 87,345 heart attacks, and that he suffered from incurable cancer known to doctors as “uber-cancer of the ass.” His latest medical record showed that the cancer had moved into his prostate, and he was on hormones hoping to recover.

Barret was also run over by a school bus last year. An investigation into that incident proved that Barret was only in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that the bus driver, only called "Bob" in the record, was not at fault.

The City of Laramie public registry shows that Barret has lost 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and his Visa card has been revoked. The registry also showed Barret’s had been subject to 14 IRS investigations.

Barret’s father, Cameron Barret, commented “He did seem to be ill-fated…at airports he would always get the random screenings, never mind that one cavity search.” His dad also stated, “It seemed like nobody liked him anymore.”

In the final sentences of the police report it details Barret tried to commit suicide 459 times, but it appears he was so unlucky, he was never successful.

Police looked into Barret’s web log My Last Throes: A Chronicle of My Attempts at Death and found that, due to the unsuccessful suicide attempts, he resigned to the idea of not dying.

The blog entry was on the Wednesday, and investigators have found the mostly likely situation is that he was so unlucky, that when he finally decided to live something killed him.

In what was thought to be unrelated, a meteorite hit the Barret family’s front lawn the morning after his resignation at attempting to die.

After connecting the incidents, police have determined he was hit by a meteorite and instantly vaporized, only some cells remaining. This was evidenced by the only remaining personal effect in the crater, a note that only read, “I really hate forwarded chain mail letters.”

His mother was only available to comment, “I hope his remaining cells went on to never experience more bad luck.”

SCIENCE TEACHER TAKES FUN AND EXCITEMENT OUT OF SCIENCE

2005-09-28T10:00:00.000-06:00

LHS chemistry teacher Angie Varca has a unique talent for taking the fun and magic out of science, students of her Chemistry I class reported.

An 11-year veteran instructor, Varca teaches her students the periodic table using a standard wall-sized chart, the appropriate page in the same Houghton-Mifflin science textbook she's used since 1982, and a few minor experiments she runs by herself to save time, like magnesium’s ability to yield high amounts of light.

"As you can see from the math I assigned you last night, the element sodium combines with water in an exothermic reaction, which means it gives off heat and, in some cases, light," Varca said, doing the work at a safe distance from her fifth-period students. "Now, I'm using just a small grain of sodium, so there isn't the large flash you might get, not that you could see it in this stainless-steel bowl. But you can see the temperature go up on our thermometer here."

Varca then asked the student with the highest grade on the last weekly quiz, Mike Lendberg, to come up and read the temperature change off the thermometer.

"Mrs. Varca says science is a way of understanding how the universe works," said Lendberg. "At least she said that on the first day, right before that cannon ball thing. I've kind of tuned her out since then."

"I wonder if two-tenths of a degree is a lot," Lendberg added. "Well. Probably not."

Varca reported that she constantly battles distraction in school.

"The other day, Amy Bethke asked me how sodium can be part of salt if it is poisonous," Varca said, shaking her head. "I had to waste two minutes explaining how it has a stable bond with the element chlorine. Then, when I tried to go on, she realized chlorine was also poisonous, and said, 'Isn't that weird that two deadly elements combine to make harmless table salt?' I finally had to send her to the office to make copies just to get her to stop interrupting the class."

Added Varca: "These kids are getting worse every year. It's a wonder I get any teaching done at all."

Nearly all of Varca's students, or at least those who have chosen not to frequently skip class, have expressed dissatisfaction with her approach to science, but decided her music collection makes it all worth it.

WAR!

2005-09-26T10:00:00.000-06:00

War has broken out in the halls of LHS once again. What was thought to be a successful ceasefire has deteriorated, and the eternal struggle of hippie against hick has ignited once more.

The ceasefire was obtained with the end of the assault weapons ban, when the hippie faction realized that they would be simply out gunned. They negotiated for a ceasefire, adding that they would release the 67 cowboy and baseball hats that have been held hostage, some as far back at early ’97.

The hick delegation agreed to the simple terms and for a brief moment it was thought that a sustainable peace was obtained. But that simply was not meant to be.

One Billy-Bob Kline, a proud member of the hicks, shattered the ceasefire. On a dare, Kline walked into the secretive Amnesty international meeting. According to early reports Kline then proceeded to yell, “Those [expletive] [racial slur] [expletive] deserve to be in those [expletive] prisons.”

The room went silent, the hacky sack stopped, no one knew what would happen next. Normally peaceful, your standard hippie can be provoked into acts of great violence when presented with a differing opinion. And this was one gigantic differing opinion.

The first to act was Marry Sunflower, she charged Kline in what has become known as the ‘activist rush’. Pamphlets waving, she hoped to ‘show’ Kline the error of his ways. He reacted with your textbook ‘nerd shove down’. Then all hell broke loose.

No one can give a good account of what happened when the entire hippie force jumped Kline.

Early reports from the hospital indicate that three hippies are being treated for 4th degree wedgies and according to Dr. Stevens; Kline has “pamphlets, protest signs, and hacky sacks in places I wouldn’t believe.”

Now the halls of LHS one again are the stage for a great and terrible conflict. There have been reports that some hippies have ‘disappeared’ in retaliation for what happened to Kline, and already more then one hick shows the tell tale sign of ‘Native American rug burns’ to their arms.

Other factions in LHS are testing the waters for a possible alliance with one of the warring groups. The Jocks are expected to make a tentative alliance with the Hicks while the Goths hope to find acceptance within the hippies. The only group not making their plans known is the nerds, who have released a press statement saying, “We could totally own any of you n00bs on Halo”.

The weeks and months ahead are to be trying times for LHS, nothing is certain of the future. All that is known for now is the halls will run brown with hemp and chew.

GOOD LUCK PLAINSMEN FOOTBALL AGAINST ROCK SPRINGS

2005-09-23T10:01:00.000-06:00

This was publsihed after much harassment from "Evil Emporer Rice."

SCHOOL TO BE AUCTIONED OFF ON E-BAY

2005-09-23T10:00:00.000-06:00

In a surprise move, an administrator known only by his screen name “Kimberly_the _King” has placed Laramie High School for sale on Ebay.

It has become the norm in some states and school districts to liquidate old and unused school buildings on the popular online auction web site Ebay; the extra money is then used in the replacement building.

But, in this case, Laramie High School is still in use. The Administrator “Kimberly_the_King” has refused to respond to all forms of communication.

But according to the unnamed administrator assistant (see renumbering story) this sale was because “The students have adapted too well, all their schemes [renumbering rooms, new bell system] just were not breaking moral and spirit like they expected. They wanted to cut their losses and start anew in a place that didn’t even know the meaning of ‘cruel and unusual punishment’ ”.

Frank Alrick discovered the auction when looking for Laramie High memorabilia. “I though it was rather odd that the school was for sale while still in use” Frank commented.

“E what now?” Administrator Scott Handly responded when asked what he knew about the Ebay auction.

According the Ebay listing, the school is in “good to fair condition” and has plenty of space for whatever you would like to do. There is also a large grass field with stadium that is in “excellent condition” due to the fact that “its not used for anything worthwhile”. The only caveat is that it is the buyers’ responsibility to “remove all those pesky students”.

CPUG news will continue to follow this story as it unfolds.

NEWS UPDATE: NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE BAND

2005-09-20T10:00:00.001-06:00

Apparently the band was also present at the National Anthem Day on the steps of the capital. No one noticed, nor cared.

CHOIR ACCIDENTALLY SINGS "OH, CANADA"

2005-09-20T10:00:00.000-06:00

On National Anthem Day last week the LHS choir sang beautifully, the wrong anthem.

In what appears to be a copy-room catastrophe the choir accidentally sang "Oh, Canada" on the Wyoming Capitol's steps.

The accident was traced back to a sheet music swap at the copy room inbox. Mrs. Steele, choir coordinator, accidentally gave the wrong page numbers for copying in her national anthem book 37 of your Favorite Anthems and 2 of the Worst.

Rhonda Huffsmith, business office secretary confirmed the accident, saying that the result was "quite humorous…we probably should have noted that she wanted so many copies of the Canadian song"

Governor Freudenthal commented, saying, “LHS’s rendition of ‘Oh, Canada’ was significantly better than all the other schools choral ‘Star-Spangled Banner’ ”

The Cheyenne choir instructor Ted Fludget had a tempo tantrum after what he called the “concerto grosso” was over. He claims it nearly caused a cornetti trombosis in the brass section.

Fludget continued saying, “LHS should have moved for a molto bolto.” He concluded, claiming LHS used their alternative performance only as a “status cymbal.”

[For those last two paragraphs, you either get it or you don’t. If you are confused e-mail us, we’ll explain the music theory play on words.]

NEWS EXTRA - CPUGnews DOES NOT WIN EMMY, FEELS RATHER DEPRESSED

2005-09-19T10:01:00.000-06:00

Ellen Degenerous did not call us to the stage last night, so we apologize that we couldn't thank you, the readers, at the microphone.

Apparently, they only do TV shows... shenanigans.

Arrr! Happy Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day.

NEW METHOD TEACHES BIOLOGY STUDENTS ABOUT TOIL, DEATH

2005-09-19T10:00:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Handley, Biology teacher, is using the new Playscovery Cove Ant Village, touting the ant farm as a fun, interactive way to teach children ages 15 and up about unceasing, backbreaking toil and the cold, inescapable reality of death.

"Your teenagers will have a front-row seat as worker ants labor, day in and day out, until they inevitably die of exhaustion, their futile efforts all for naught," commented Mrs. Handley.

She continued, “An Ant Village, complete with stackable tiny ant barns, see-through ‘Antway’ travel tubes, and connecting ‘Antports’ is the best window into the years of thankless, grueling labor that await them as worker drones in our post-industrial society."

Billed as "the fun way to teach your kids to accept their miserable fate stoically," on the box, the 30 new ant farms were $14.95 a piece.

"They all look and act the same," said Jenny Newark, junior, who says she will one day hopes to play the role of blue-collar worker in a society that rewards collectivism over individualism.

"It was really weird," said Jessica Lurman, sophomore. "The ants were, like, really careful to put all the dead ants in this one big grave until there were, like, only four left. Then, the next morning, three of the four were lying with the others in the big pile, and the last one was dead over by the plastic farmhouse thingy. It must've died right after it buried the second-to-last ant."

The antfarms were purchased after the Wyoming biology standards were reviewed by the State Board of Eduaction whom decided a benchmark about death was a neccesity for holisitic learning.

TEACHER LEARNS TO READ

2005-09-16T10:00:00.000-06:00

After battling illiteracy all her life, a LHS teacher has finally learned to read. An excited English teacher shows of her new skills.

Her heroic struggle to learn to read is the stuff of legends. Unfortunately the rights to this story have already been bought by DreamWorks Productions, so we here at CPUG are unable to tell the details. But lets put it this way; there was a lot of straining.

So now mercifully this teacher will no longer have to rely on students to do her work for her, she now can become her own person.

When asked what he thought about this great teacher learning to read Mr. Sorenson answered “what? She didn’t know how to read? How did we hire her? Wow, that’s rather irresponsible of us.”

“I think its great that she learned to read,” sophomore Kyle Ford said, “now hopefully she wont tell me to grade her papers for her.”

ART STUDENTS EXPOSED TO THE LINDE MONOLOUGE

2005-09-15T22:00:00.000-06:00

Another adventure in Linde land, yet we now know he is constantly thinking about sex.

The advanced art class enjoyed another passive monologue from Ms. Miller as she told the students of next week’s plans. The class seemed very relaxed as the quiet rhythmic flow of her voice crawled across the room.

When the students were finally released from her spell they set off for another exciting day in art class.

Linde must have heard the soothing voice because he responded by entering the room, hand on hip, in a very stealthy sort of way.

Students T. Callender, J. Raymer, Jack Hole, and The Kamikaze sat painting a ceiling tile; one of the few left due to the "sheet rock" addiction that grabbed ahold of all the art students last semester.

Linde stood gazing at a well endowed picture of a woman on the tile for about 20 minutes until he finally asked, “So is this picture symbolic in any way or is it just sex appeal?”

T. Cal: It’s a picture of our support to our country but we haven’t added the flag behind the lovely lady yet.”
Linde: I see, don’t you think that some would be offended?
T. Cal: I don’t know, what would you put on a tile if you were making one... a big whiskey bottle?”
Linde [very bluntly]: Yes, than I’d write something about aged whiskey… than maybe for sex appeal, [more bluntly] I’d add a big VAGINA.”

With that Linde exited the room leaving an uncomfortable hilarity in the room . It is crtain: we have now entered the Linde vagina monolougues.

STUDENTS DEMAND WARS IN EASIER TO FIND COUNTRIES

2005-09-14T10:00:00.000-06:00

A delegation of LHS students yesterday demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places they've actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.

"People claim we don't know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it's so not our fault," Josh Beldoni, a senior, told the School Board. "Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we're supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts."

"Macedonia," corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin
.
"See?" said Beldoni.

Beldoni's frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.

"I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to," said Amelia Nash, a junior. "Can't we fight in, like, Italy? It's boot-shaped."

Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.

"OK, what about Arulco?" interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior. "That's a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I'm totally familiar with that place. She's a major threat."

"Jagged...?" said Levin.
"Alliance. It's a computer game."
"Well, no," Levin answered. "We can't attack a fictional country."
"Yeah right," Boone mumbled. "Like Grenada was real."

The hearing adjourned after sixteen hours. An estimated 24 more students were expected to hold a march in the nation's capital, but forgot which city it was in.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THE TEACHING STAFF AT LHS

2005-09-12T22:00:00.000-06:00

In light of the deteriorating state of some teacher's mental sanity at LHS, CPUGnews has decided to publish the following guide for making tin foil hats.

Get together the following materials: Roll of tin foil. Your head.

Follow these steps:
Step 1 - Unroll a little bit of the foil and hold it up with the roll facing away from your head as shown.
Step 2 - Hold the end of the roll against your head with one hand while using the other to wrap the foil around.
Step 3 - Wrap the foil all the way around your head so you don’t have to hold it on anymore.
Step 4 - Wrap foil around several more times. Hold against your head with one hand. Use other hand to tear off the rest of the roll.
Step 5 - Crush the foil down on to your head to form a "hat" type shape, and to make it hold together.
Step 6 - Once the hat is conformed to you head you can take it off to add more foil and sculpt to desired shape for your personality.

I bet you, the teacher is wondering why you might need a foil hat. Here are our reasons:
1. Shields your brain from radioactive rays.
2. Foil hat wearers can easily spot each other in large crowds.
3. Acts as a reflector, increasing you visibility on dark streets at night.
4. Bright glittering head 0rnamentation can increase chances of attracting a mate.
5. MOST IMPORTANTLY: Everyone will know that you are crazy.

That is all.

SCROLLING SIGN MAKES HUGE IMPACT

2005-09-09T10:00:00.000-06:00

The scrolling motivational sign has once again proved its worth and prevented a travesty against life itself.

Travis McKelt was enjoying a normal, quiet, school day, when he dropped his books in the hallway near the library. Embarrassed and angry he started to utter a swear word, when he noticed the scrolling motivational sign.

The message was inspiring, uplifting, and splendid:

“We do not remember days...we remember moments."

Seeing the moving message Travis paused. He averted saying the swear word that was immanent a moment ago.

Similar situations must happen every day, proving the worth of the sign. For all the money it cost, the time to install, the time to update every week with a new message, it truly is one of the greatest things we can have inside the halls of LHS.

“We feel that the Sign (capitalized because of importance) is a true godsend, without it who knows what shape our beloved LHS would be in?” Councilor Mr. Fulton said.

6 SOPHOMORES TRAMPLED, NEW TRAFFIC SYSTEM INVESTIGATED

2005-09-07T10:00:00.000-06:00

The Administration of LHS has ignored growing safety concerns about the traffic inside the hallways and now six students are dead and many injured.

Some of the officials of Laramie High School has been concerned for some time now due to the startling trends of the past ten sophomore classes. “They’re shrinking,” Mr. Barduke, the head of Trends and Statistics, said. “The past ten years have proven that each new class gets smaller by as much as 4 cm.”

But another disquieting tendency has also been showing. “These kids just don’t have the same knowledge of walking as they used to.” According to Mr. Barduke, the basic knowledge of hallway safety is quickly becoming lost amid a society ran by Grand Theft Auto and “choose your own adventure” books.

Unfortunately, the Administration has done little in response to these troubles. And now, for six students of LHS, it is too late. Officials are not releasing the names.

Initial reports indicate that the accident started when Keven Armin stopped to pick up what he perceived as a “lucky penny”. Mary Crumb, who was talking on a cellular phone, did not react in time and collided with Mr. Armin, setting off the 42-student pile up.

“It was horrible,” Josh Tringel, who was first on the scene of the accident said, “They were just strewn all across the hallway and... the sophomores... they... never had a chance”

The Administration promptly went into action in response to this tragedy, creating the Corridor Safety Committee, who are charged with the task of investigating the feasibility of a new traffic system.

Officials of the newly created Corridor Safety Committee are hoping that the rest of the school year will suffer no more student lives lost due to traffic accidents.

Yesterday, committee officials held a press conference to announce plans for initiatives for what they say is a proactive approach in promoting corridor safety and a new traffic structure.

According to Traffic Controller and Committee head, Jack Thompson, emphasis will be placed on educating students on the proper way to walk, and to encourage more cautious actions in the hallways.

"We intend to embark upon an aggressive campaign to heighten the awareness with respect to safety," Mr. Thompson said. "We are also going to push for the adoption of our proposed new traffic system."

This new traffic system has as many as four hundred new regulations and methods. Some of the proposed regulations include:

Turning and other hand signals will be required at all times. For everything from left turn, right turn and stop, to “I don’t know where my class is” and “I have gotten under three hours of sleep”.
The shoulder room in the hallway is to be used for emergencies only.
Gossip is not an emergency.
Stairs are for WALKING, talking while standing in front of the stairs will be punished with a severe flogging.
Cross bucks will be respected at all times.
Anyone under five feet tall must wear high visiblity head device.

"Our objective, our goal is to have the rest of this school year 2005/2006 fatality free, with respect to our students. That is what we are shooting for," Mr. Thompson said. "We have a three-pronged approach to it: ready, steady, go. Ready, leave on time; steady, take your time; and go, you are going to get there on time.

ADMINISTRATION BUYS LATEST TECH FOR FOOTBALL TRAINING

2005-09-05T10:00:00.000-06:00

In order to recover from Friday and Saturday’s losses, the LHS activities administration has approved a budget request by the football team to get new training technology.

The budget request was for $12,500 dollars will include 50 X-Box gaming systems, 50 copies of Madden 2006: Year of the Quarterback, and 50 X-Box Live subscriptions for online play.

Activities coordinator Scott Handley said that the new technology is the only real chance of seeing a successful LHS football club this school year. He cites that by playing the game the LHS football players could figure out what penalties are and how to avoid turnovers.

He continued, “It isn’t like we needed new textbooks for any classes, or anything.”

Veteran LHS football coach Bradfield believes that the online play will be the most pivotal gaming aspect for football moral and strategy build-up. Bradfield supposed, “The online play will allow LHS players to gloat when they win in the digital world, which will in turn improve their moral for the real games.”

The new training will require that football team spends at least 2 hours daily playing Madden 2006. New coach, Neil Waring, says that he hopes players will eventually be able to change the difficulty settings from “easy” to “normal.”

However, Waring doesn’t think that in the limited 2 hour daily practice time that the Varsity team will ever be ready for the “hard” setting. He has high hopes for the JV team, saying, “On Saturday they only lost by 7 points, much better than the varsity…I bet they will be on ‘hard’ by next year.”

[I must quote the Boomerang: "Laramie’s momentum was short-lived — as in one play."]

BELL SYSTEM CHANGED AGAIN, DIAL-TONE FATIGUE DAMAGING TEACHER’S EARS

2005-08-31T10:00:00.000-06:00

LHS has changed the "bell-tone" back to three piercing rings after several teachers were showing early signs of deafness because of what a local doctor calls dial-tone fatigue.

Since the earlier bell change, which created a sound similar to a telephone ring, teachers had been picking up their phones on accident. Yet, no one is calling, and teachers instead subject themselves to excessive amounts of dial-tone.

The dial-tone is known to have harsh repercussions on eardrums, for the solid tone’s pitch is uniquely bland and annoying at the same time, while maintaining a high frequency decibel.

When questioned about her concerns of getting dial-tone fatigue, new teacher Mrs. Rice questioned back, “What did you say?”

Local doctor, Keith Richards commented that dial-tone fatigue hasn’t been this bad since the start of the no-call list, when people would pick up the phones and get disconnected, if on the no-call list.

Senior Kellen Heiser says the new bell causes other problems as well, exclaiming, “I always feel compelled to say ‘hello?’ if I hear the bell.”

Mrs. Derr cited the problems on a lack of time to test the new bell system, claiming the contractors who installed the new phone/internet/bell/public address system only had it running two days prior to school’s start.

Although unofficial, the administration is said to be thinking of a new “bell-tone” for next week.

REASONING BEHIND RENUMBERING QUESTIONABLE

2005-08-30T10:00:00.000-06:00

The renumbering of all classrooms has many students asking why? Despite assurances from faculty and staff, some say there is a darker, more sinister reason for the change.

In a surprise move the administration of LHS has renumbered all the classrooms despite a laundry list of reasons not to. When asked why this project was done so rapidly that class schedules had wrong numbers, Mr. Handly remarked “So that the computers... well, they needed that... computer stuff”.

According the Mr. Mac, facilitator of the Mac lab, the renumbering was done for other reasons, “The phone lines needed the renumbering”. When asked why phones would need a new room number Mr. Mac became quite hostile, “listen, you don’t need to know why, you get me? In the motherland you wouldn’t have lasted for a second”.

But according to an assistant to an administrator who wished to be unnamed, the renumbering was done for much more sinister reasons, “They have the power... its gone to their head. First it started with just your normal abuse of authority, pushing down sophomores and making fun of the ugly cheerleaders [journalist's note: aren’t they all?]. But why stop there? They have been increasing their actions just for their pleasure. They are addicted to it...”

The source continued, “This renumbering was just another sadistic way to abuse the students. Sophomores are confused enough as it is, but give then a schedule with the wrong numbers and just watch them break down in tears.”

But this was also to be cruel to the juniors and seniors, who already knew room numbers from last year, “[The administrators] were tired of those upper classmen acting like they knew everything... they wanted to take them down a peg.”

Or, according to Editor of Cyberplainsmen Joshua Skinner, the explanation could be much more simple, “it goes in numeric order... it just makes sense”.

MONDAY PRANK #1: CHAS'S CAR

2005-08-29T15:47:00.000-06:00

Welocme to the Monday prank. In the opening of what will hopefully be a long series we are going to pull cheap non-damaging pranks on Chas (and maybe some other people). This week, in honor of Chas's special experiances with "sheep shearing" we created the Sheep-mobile.

The materials needed for the Sheep-mobile were: red window chalk, white window chalk, sheep poster, duct tape, antennae ball featuring smily face cowboy, some creativity.

It all cost $9.33 at Wal-Mart.

Total time needed: 5 minutes

Here are the photos:

Enjoy.

And tell Chas to stop sleeping with sheep. They are innocent farm animals.

-Josh and Mike

Josh's Note: Chas's mom called me and pretty much cursed me out. Wow.

Mike's Note: I'm just happy Chas's mom doesn't have my phone number.

CPUG MOBILE LAUNCHES, WINS EDITOR'S CHOICE

2005-08-27T10:00:00.000-06:00

Last week, development of a mobile edition of CPUG finished allowing all readers to access the newswire from any web-connected cell phone.

Using "CPUG Mobile" you can access mobile exclusive content, including Surveys, the In the News Column, Weather and Attendence Reports, and other shorts written by the CPUG team.

On a more boastful note, WINKsite (the CPUG Mobile hosts) have awarded the mobile edition an Editor's Choice award, setting our mobile edition apart from tens of thousands of other mobile websites. According to the Editor:

WINKsite Editors' Choice features the "best of the best" reviewed WINKsites.
These mobile sites are excellent examples of our technology in use -- real sites
being used by our members, their friends, colleagues, and visiting audience.

If you have a web-enabled phone, you can access CPUG Mobile by connecting to http://winksite.com/cpugnews/mobile on your phone, or you can check it out now by clicking the link in the sidebar which gives you a preview of what CPUG Mobile will look like on your phone.

MAGICAL DEFENSE OF SCHOOL KILLS 10, INJURES 2

2005-08-25T10:00:00.000-06:00

In what appears to be a tribute to the latest Harry Potter book, The Half-Blood Prince, ten LHS students are dead, and two are critically injured.

On the opening day of school, as students were trying to enter the building, what seems to be a shield kept defense of the building. Yet, when students were entering the building after the first warning bell, the shield threw the twelve students hundreds of feet away.

The students were emergency escorted to Ivinson Memorial Hospital. Ten died from injuries that doctors could not explain, leaving two children critically injured with sever internal bleeding.

The deaths are thought to be caused by the fall, but one doctor commented, “It was like magic had taken over the entire body, I don’t know how to treat it.” One nurse was so desperate to stop the bleeding of a new sophomore that she reverted to using an ice pack.

Upon questioning Scott Handley, an administrator at LHS, he was dumbfounded. Handley was unsure of what had happened and was overwhelmed with phone calls from concerned parents, leaving him unavailable for comment.

In the halls, Kim Sorenson, head principle, was found nervously chewing his nails. Sorenson was muttering about a “virgin sacrifice.”

When asked what he meant he said, “I knew that you needed a virgin sacrifice to get the Shield Charm right, but I couldn’t find one in time for the first day of school. If only I wasn’t so careless!”

According to Sorenson, he had just finished reading the sixth chronicle of Harry Potter, and found a liking to the magical defense that Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore was employing. Sorenson made the decision to use magical defenses at LHS, to weed out dangerous students, who may pose a threat to the school.

Sorenson claims to have consulted “Magic” for Dummies to guide him through the shield creation process. The author of the book, Sergey Leeway, a magical master, claims that Sorenson seriously endangered the students in two ways.

First, Sorenson set the wrong time for the charm, and if he had wished to weed out late students he should have set the charm for the second bell. Second, Sorenson’s neglect for a virgin sacrifice caused the charm to violently reject any potential threats, instead of merely blocking their way into the building.

A J. K. Rowling spokesperson commented on the situation saying, “Miss Rowling feels deep regret for the misuse of the content in her books.” Further the spokesperson snorted, “The best way prevent entrance of potentially dangerous criminals is a Secrecy Sensor, I thought everyone knew that.”

WHILE ADMIRING OUR AWESOME NEW HEADER, I NOTICED A FEW LESS REMARKABLE ONES

2005-08-21T19:45:00.000-06:00

Even if I neglected the misspelling of "CyberPlainsman [sic];" with dysentary I could vomit out a better header than this one:

And if I was a senior, I would realize that the pitfalls of my work have culminated into this:

and promplty kill myself.

But more seriously, the real Cyber P. should maybe look for someone with some graphic design abilities (and not Josh or me, because we might do too well).

WE GOT A BLOG!

2005-08-06T10:00:00.000-06:00

We're back....beacause it is cheaper and easier, the staff of CPUG has decided that the world would be best served by a blog newswire. Here, we will be 100% hard-hitting with our unique takes on current events, policies, and the staff/faculty of LHS.

Expect what you may.

And, I am going to go ahead and archive our old stories. I hear that people think they are funny, or something.

IN THE NEWS: 25 APRIL 2005

2005-04-25T10:00:00.005-06:00

SEB ANNOUNCEMENTS UPDATE: Students continue to ignore the SEB announcements (sounds familiar, if only there was an entertaining way to tell students what is going on in school...).

ELECTION time is kicking off fraudulently with a record round of 2,967 illegal election petitions; expect full coverage of candidates and positions in the Election edition on 9 May 2005.

PROM ticket sales at all time low after rumors that prom might not occur due to lazy Junior class; more on Prom in the Prom edition, 2 May 2005

BOMB threat dismissed by psychology experts claiming that the threat maker's cursive handwriting is "too pretty for a killer."

WEATHER is expected, despite alliusions of apocolypse.

ATTENDANCE for this week 10 to 20 percent..

SUPER-UBER-OMNI PINATA LANDS ON CAT; IN CRITICAL CONDITION

2005-04-25T10:00:00.004-06:00

A paper-mache piñata in Chamberlain's room landed on an unexpecting cat on Friday. The tabby-cat is in critical condition in Ivinson Memorial's Intensive Care Unit. The cat was unable to comment, but doctors are expecting a lawsuit after full recovery. Janitors’ report witnessing the cat comes from the cafeteria. After seeing the cat, and Chinese Food day being cancelled, janitors are becoming suspect that rats could be among the cafeteria's meat loaf stores.
Suspicions of the pinata's origins are likly to cause full scale investigation.

STUDENT LOST IN "LINDE LAND"

2005-04-25T10:00:00.003-06:00

An LHS student became entranced and lost track of time in "Linde Land" while throwing on the pottery wheel last Tuesday. "He began to make pots on the wheel but after some time his eyes became dreamy and slumping over he began to watch the clay spin outward in exotic patterns. This continued some time until I left for lunch. That was Friday, today Tuesday he was still at the wheel. It seems he potted all weekend," Geoff Warthon commented on his fellow classmate who is currently not taking questions due to his new non-aggressive speech style. It seems that this occurrence was not the first of its kind in this classroom sources say. "I once wedged clay for 2 weeks and thought only an hour had passed," drawled an unnamed source.

STUDENT COUNCIL GIVES ITSELF HONORARY RECOGNITION

2005-04-25T10:00:00.002-06:00

In recognition of what it calls “complete awesomeness,” the Laramie High School Student Council awarded itself Honorary Recognition."We've done a very good job this past year," Student Body President Eli Robbins-Lilly said. "

After passing a successful Snowcoming, we realized the Student Council had done something that would benefit the entire school. We felt it was time we officially recognize our accomplishments."Added Robbins-Lilly: "I will treasure this award as long I live."

The Honorary Recognition, created in 1932 to recognize students who distinguish themselves in academics or athletics, is the highest school decoration awarded by the LHS Student government.

Although the award is traditionally reserved for members of the Student Body, a resolution passed by the Student Council allows the Student Council to award the recognition to "Laramie High School legislative bodies charged with the responsibility of representing students," as well. Student Body Parliamentarian/Historian Josh Skinner was among the members who approved the bill in an overwhelming majority."

The ‘Honorary Recognition’ is a reward for extraordinary scholarship and athleticism on behalf of our great school," said Skinner, his fresh award gleaming on his chest. "It is an honor reserved for that rarest of men: the hero."

Before Friday’s ceremony, only 213 individuals had been awarded the Honorary Recognition. Some students—including the family of Senior Jake Bray, who received Honorary Recognition last month—have suggested that awarding the medal to 26 people at once diminishes its prestige."

How does honoring more people cheapen the medal?" Senior Class President Max Rerucha asked. "I'm honored to be counted among so many other hardworking students, past and present."

While officially awarded the Honorary Recognition for "exemplary service in the management of Snowcoming," the Student Council also recognized itself for "general excellence in the field of do-nothingness," as well.

[OPINION] LHS FOOTBALL IS DEAD

2005-04-25T10:00:00.001-06:00

Well it is that time of year again track is winding up and down at the same time and summer is on the horizon. For many, summer should signal that it is time to start training for the fall season. However the key word is should, will or wont is more likely, the state of dedication to our “most important” fall sport football is poor. The football program has after three straight seasons of only a single victory deteriorated into a drunken stupor of crappiness. This is mostly due to the poor chemistry of the coaching staff whose differences were just short of a full-scale riot on the field and a verbal battle of grand proportions off. The demeanor of the coaches was visible and frightening when the Head Coach would come over to a drill Bradfield would visibly darken and become closed and unhelpful like a dog under the care of an unloving owner. On face a good show was put on but those slips were there and obvious clearly destroying morale.

The days of football glory seeming to be long past, has taken its toll on another, once proud symbol of plainsmen football. This is of course the board for the top lifters, which is beginning to look unloved and forlorn. When the Plainsmen were the force to be reckoned with on the gridiron, the board was stacked along with the players, whose weight for bench and squat were in the 300-400 lb. Now the odd 1-2 or two make it to the lower levels at 150-200 lbs. The players aren’t weak they just never get into the weight room; our weight staff is a great group including Jason Mitchell. Despite their skill they have little or no success getting players in to lift. Instead several coaches, whose greedy determination to get the head coaches job, made them begin lifting their own little groups without the consultation of Jason or even Johnson the physical fitness coach. Mr. Mitchell had an intern that we called Odie, a former plainsman, did his best to unite the team and get them into the weight room. This decline in dedication to the team and lifting seriously brings into question the success and quality of next years team.

In this atmosphere of bad chemistry and poor dedication the team is in dire straights even the rest of the school is feeling the effects. Often school spirit is based on the first sport of the year with football on the shady side of the awesome hill the sprit of the school has reflected it. Cheesy “spirit days” are all well and good but without something substantial like a winning season to rally behind school spirit has declined rapidly. Without dedication to lifting and team and complete chemistry of coaches, a winning season and higher school spirit is impossible.

JOSTENS DOESN'T LIKE YOU FOR YOU, THEY ONLY WANT YOUR MONEY

2005-04-25T10:00:00.000-06:00

Jostens, the unequivocal, monopolizing manufacturer of school spirit items such as yearbooks, class rings, portraits, caps, gowns, and graduation announcements, thrives off of impoverishing all high school students.

Students suffered a large hit last Wednesday paying more than one dollar per index-card sized graduation announcement, and those were the cheap ones. The price for twenty of the abhorrent pieces of paper ranges near seventy-five dollars. Jostens sells twenty index cards for seventy-five dollars; imagine the price of the golden-gilded index cards. Poverty must be the aim.

Another aim of Jostens is selling sheets called “gowns” for hundreds of dollars each. “Gah!” is all the secondary education students can mutter after seeing the prices of overstated sheets and nearly entering a vegetative state (good thing we all know to right our living wills). The students then proceed, inevitably, to open the wallets and push through spider-webs and dust balls half-heartedly removing the hard earned money in an economically depressing time, especially for teenagers.

The teens will face a crisis as they receive the oversized or undersized gowns one week before graduation ceremonies. Prayer and sobs can be heard in any hallways by those expecting to keep their integrity when walking for their respective diploma. One would expect upset parents who sold souls in the fall to make the payment for Jostens’ regalia to do something. Yet, what can anyone do one week before a ceremony except shed a tear and move on.In case the gown and “custom” announcement money wasn’t enough to sooth the beasts behind Jostens corporate logo, they proceed to push cardboard hats upon the body of seniors hoping for diplomas. Dignity is swiftly stolen from the poor students as they fork over even more cash for a square one-size-fits-all hat intended only for anchoring a tassel.

Tassels are part of the greed as well. “Bling-bling” and spirit yarn is pushed on to a conformant youth only wanting to fit in at graduation. For what Jostens calls “sale” prices, the graduating students can fork over twenty-five dollars for strings that represent nothing in reality. This string will serve well with the ten dollar Jostens’ “Year Date Key Chain” as a rear-view mirror accessory until it is silently discarded.

Silently sitting in bookshelves until the end of time are Jostens’ fifty-dollar yearbooks. At this point, the students are so poverty stricken they are starving and calling it fasting, feeling it necessary to purchase the books for the aesthetic value, rather than eating rice. We ought not to forget the opportunities for personalization that are just too appealing to not spend money on, pushing students deeper in debt. Wait! Students are still force-fed pop culture for another ten dollars with a perfectly inconvenient yet still so attractive CD. However, this all assumes that the Jostens’ publisher does not lose half the pages of the yearbook.

Inconvenient in their monstrosity are class rings. Brainwashing teenagers into believing that this disgusting jewelry is tasteful and normal is the beginning of Jostens’ shady plan for world takeover. The horridly expensive, yet poor quality, rings are a catalyst to impoverishment. For 365 dollars you can purchase a widow-maker that is a half-step away from brass knuckles, with a ten percent prospect of receiving the correct stone cut.

The rings are offered to the most susceptible of LHS students, the sophomores. This is when Jostens becomes out of hand and gains a reputation for being cruel and unusual. Does anyone find it odd for a Minneapolis based Jostens to cut itself through the fabric of education and into student work time for assemblies? “We make the Super Bowl rings, you know,” preaches the Jostens pawn to a captive audience, and all that occurs is surrender of the student body under a guise of “memories.”

Memories of what: sending the ring back six times to get the size corrected? The Jostens salesperson boasts memories in other ways, as well. Glow-in-the-dark Jostens boxers are certainly good memories. The “school-spirit” jockey will certainly try to convince the youth that Jostens boxers are sexy. Good luck with that. The cleverly maniacal beasts of Jostens have nothing to lose and too much to gain.

I cannot understand why some may like products gained from Jostens. In case you have stimulation for Jostens’ products, the best way to please them is by purchasing twenty-five Jostens’ thank-you cards for ten dollars. You can send these to your Jostens representative or to the corporation itself. You will be pleased to know that they will recycle your thanks and capitalize on it by promoting your card to another wretched student.

Luckily, left unsponsored are Jostens’ portraits. You may have thought Lifetouch was bad, but these off-center delicacies are not retakeable, unless eyes are closed. Imagine this corporate scheme: twelve wallet sized snapshots for twenty dollars.

Corporate monopoly is a real problem. The school district has made sure that no options exist for rings, gowns, or yearbooks. Balfour, Wal-Mart, and local jewelers are defiantly capable of producing good-quality rings, barring one difference; the alternatives can create the ring the first time. For sixty dollars Wal-Mart will do what you ask and you can spend all that money you saved on investments. This will surly stop Jostens from making students poor. Investments and fiscal responsibility are not something the over-the-top capitalists at Jostens want you to have “memories” of.

To beat Jostens, start companies that sell cheaper, better, knick-knacks. Striking them at their own game with goods and services would be the best start. Commemorative shampoo? Commemorative rugs? Commemorative livestock? Perhaps the competition can offer snow-shoveling and lawn-mowing services. Who wouldn’t shell their money out at school for such handy utilities.

The reality of the Jostens corporation is outrageous. Verbalize and write your acknowledgement of the moral bankruptcy in the black, gold, and white logo. “I’m on to you,” should be the chant of students as they pass the demons guiltlessly hocking Jostens’ trash.

SOCIOPATHIC TEACHERS FIND NEW WAY TO PRAY ON STUDENTS

2005-01-05T10:00:00.001-07:00

Starting January 18th teachers who love to send students to the office for fun have found an easier way to do it. The method? the new tardy policy. The new policy forces students to report for whipping if even .0001 miliseconds late to class. While whipping advocates applaud others turn a leary eye as sociopathic teachers all over town are complaining that thier clocks don't measure into milli-seconds. We will see how many students actually come to class on the 18th and submit to this new torture.

INTERVIEW WITH THE FACILITATOR

2005-01-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

The assignment, at best, an exploration into the mind of, from what I had been told, a madman, Donovan Mack, "The Facilitator" of the MacLab, a mystery to most, a terrifying specter to others, this man is one of the last of his dying breed, the "facilitators" a group of particularly nerdy individuals recruited by the Macintosh corporation in the early '80's to help their scheme for world domination.
One of the first questions on my mind as I stepped into his dominion was the same as that of everyone here at LHS: What is the reasoning behind your fear of copies of software or music?"
"We..." began the dark looming figure of a man who sat before me, "My son...he...he...I'm sorry, I have a hard time with this."
"Go on," I directed.
"My son...he was kidnapped by a renegade gang of audio bootleggers working out of Laramie when he was eight. They told me that they would come after us if I was ever found to even be in the same room as a blank disc, as it was part of the ransom."

And with that tearful recounting of times past, the real interview began.

GW: Is it true that you are a Soviet exile residing in Laramie under an assumed name?
DM: Yes, I...I mean no, where on God's green earth would you get that idea komrade?*After he stopped laughing nervously and looking around I decided to push forth*
GW: Would you in any way bend your ideals enough to give. say, a company like Dell any credit whatsoever for building a quality machine at a bargain price?
DM: [Expletive deleted] NO! What in the [expletive deleted] is the deal with two buttons on the mouse anyway? Plus, no one makes 'em cheaper than Mac.
GW: So are you calling them liars?
DM: Not necessarily, but I do hope that anyone that said that will go home tonight and find their families dead.
GW: Strong words.
DM: You want some of this, [expletive deleted]? I'll reformat you back to Windows NT you P.C. loving piece of [expletive deleted].
GW: Sorry.
DM: You better be.
GW: Finally, what is the story behind your secretive green phone?
DM: First and foremost, I would like to make perfectly clear: that the phone is not a direct line to the Russian governments missile launch site! Wait, did I say that out loud? What about that? Uuhhhh...

It was then that he grabbed a six-shot revolver, loaded one shell into the cylinder and proceeded to play a rather pathetic game of Russian (coincidence?) Roulette for forty-five minutes before hitting pay dirt and permanently soiling his beloved computers with gray matter.In a way it was a fitting way for him to go, his game of Roulette was a lot like trying to do something on one of his Macs: it took forever and when it finally worked I'm sure that, like the students at LHS, he wished it had not.

[Orignally authored by Jesse Owens]

HAVE NO FEAR, LHS IS HERE

2004-10-09T10:00:00.000-06:00

Wyoming and Colorado football teams alike are sending there thanks to Laramie High School. Why? Skyline High School writes, " Thanks to LHS we had a moral boost that has been unseen in previous years." It certainly is nice to attend a school that, despite the fact that they are really good, enjoy helping out other teams in need of some good ol' esprit de corps. Who is to thank for this? The coaches who have trained the LHS football team to bitterly lose, every game. Skeptics say that LHS is losing because they are genuinely bad, however, this reporter knows different. Through super-secret interviews with top officials at the school, I have been informed that LHS is a team designed to lose. That is why the administration is hiring such despicable coaches for the football team.

WAR UPDATE: WITH THE END OF THE TEN YEAR BAN ON AUTOMATIC WEAPONS, THE HEAT IS ON FOR THE HIPPIES

2004-09-19T10:10:00.000-06:00

Although the Hippie-Hick wars are still only of political rivalry, a new factor has brought new light on the situation. Last week the bill banning the use of 10 different classifications of assault weapons expired. What does this mean for the war? It could likely lead to an aggression on either side or the first battles.

Since the cold war has started the hicks have belligerently seized all territory excluding the foreign language department. The faculty of the department has decided on an act of neutrality, declaring their area a safe zone for any refugees. When questioned Mrs. Chamberlain, the head of the department's council, exclaimed her hate for this conflict and a "well lit moke free non-war" area.

With the new territory, the resources are coming in strong as the Hicks now control 13 bathrooms. Those bathrooms, with their high loose-change export will prove critical in acquiring new weapons and the now legal assault rifles. Billy-Bob Madison, the spokesman of the Hicks warns that action may be the only choice. "With these guns," warns Billy, "we could blow them faggots outta the water. Although his reporter is not entirely sure what that meant, Madison's inflection could only be bad news for the Hippies.

Doors locked and tables up the Hippies are expected to remain in lockdown. Being isolated the Hippies have not been available for questioning. Smoke coming from room 243 indicates that the chemical weapon, only known as the "bong," is located there. Air tests however have indicated nothing.

SCHOOL SERVES ETHNIC FOOD TO CELEBRATE PREVIOUS GRADUATES

2004-09-19T10:00:00.003-06:00

On Monday I walked into the cafeteria, to be surprised by exquisite ethic food. "Bratwurst!" I shouted, "Well, I'll be... Ich bin eine happy." This was my favorite day of the week. It nearly compared to the day they served pasta, reminding me of my homeland Italy. These varieties of foods came as a shocker, especially after years of food from the Heartland.

But none of these could compare to my favorite, MEXICAN FOOD. The school, thankfully, serves a variety of Mexican foods. Including, but not limited to: tacos, enchiladas, fajitas, tortilla soup, American chili, and balls of cheese, nachos and chicken nuggets. Yes, readers, Mexican chicken nuggets.

The legendary excellence continued today when I was treated to a fine meal streching around the globe. My order of fine chicken enchilada from Mexico was accompanied by a side order of green, green salad from the green, green isle (Ireland) and a cup of fine tea from Indonesia. Of course the meal was toped of with a hearty glass of milk straight from the American heartland (gotta keep it in the house sometimes).

There is also Italian food, in addition to the pasta I love so dearly, there is pizza from Tuscany. This pizza is topped with anything from meat to freshly grown produce from Argentina. But the wonders don't stop there, just today the chefs down at head kitchen announced that this type of novelty food was here to stay.

[Orignally authored by Matt Shaw]

IN THE NEWS: 19 SEPTEMBER 2004

2004-09-19T10:00:00.002-06:00

SEB ANNOUNCEMENTS UPDATE: Students continue to ignore the SEB announcements.

JOSTENS, the unequivocal, monopolizing manufacturer of school spirit items such as class rings, portraits, caps and gowns, is the world's largest producer of poverty in high school students.

STUDENTS already prepping for Homecoming labeled as "People Prepareing for Homecoming One Month In Advance."

INDUSTRIAL Strength Toilet Paper in the school's bath-rooms deemed fire hazard by some authority.

WEATHER is expected but only at a 43 percent chance.

ATTENDENCE this week expected to be at an all time high of 93 percent.

CUTE FLUFFY MOUSE PETTED TO DEATH IN BIOLOGY

2004-09-19T10:00:00.001-06:00

Unfortunately today tragedy struck when a mouse that was visiting the sixth block Biology class was petted too hard. The mouse had a quick death and a funeral is scheduled for the 31 of September. It is the understanding of Mrs. Handley, who works in the science wing, that the friendly critter wished to be cremated and have his ashes spread over the Rocky Mountains. Official action is said to be taking place against the "petter" who remains unnamed. This media agency is hoping that the cover up becomes suspect bringing the horrid person that could kill something so cute (and fluffy mind you) is brought to justice.

SCHOOL FUNDING HITS ROCK BOTTOM

2004-09-19T10:00:00.000-06:00

Last Tuesday, at a secret meeting Laramie High School Site council voted 10-1 passing massive budget cuts for the school. Jostens says it plans to help by donating letterhead paper for just $26.95 a sheet, but many prominent teachers are still worried.

"The school is forcing me to pay for ink and paper out of my own pocket! By golly when they hired my they made me change my name to Mack, I used to be called Sokowski, back in [the Soviet Union or USSR]," exclaimed the outraged Mac lab facilitator Don Mack. Mack continues, "The students mock me for treating the ink toners like my children but I have a right to. I brought those toners up by Chinese mail order. There has been enough ink-shed in the lab to last a life time." Mack promptly terminated the interview when the secret Mack-phone rang.

On the other side of the school in the remote modular rooms the math department issued the following statement: "We are not to worried about these 'budget cuts,' in fact we have been storing a secret supply of chalk and dry erase periphilnaila under the floorboards of Mrs. Aragorns modular. We have thirteen boxes of chalk each containing 12 sticks of chalk. You do the math. That's a lot of chalk, huh?"

The school has also had to reduce desk numbers per classroom. A brilliant plan by school officials called for division of desks equally with each teacher getting three desks.

Bob Roth croaked," Three Desks! I need more...hey, you are not on my newspaper staff, who the hell are you reporting for."

On the other hand, gym teachers responded quite gleefully. Hudson exclaimed, "I've never been so happy in my life. I don't know what I'll use [the desks] for because I cant get in them... My calves are to dang big! Maybe I can just toss them in the pool."

CALLS OF SHOTGUN REACH ALL TIME HIGH

2004-09-17T01:19:00.000-06:00

Today, the customary calls of shotgun when going out to lunch rose to an unfounded high in LHS's history. The ritual is growing and a "LHS Guide to Shotgun" is expected to be realeased beacuse of the freazy. Heavy "shotguners" are in fierce competition in the student parking lot. One student, who wishes to stay anonymous, set the record at LHS for "longest-time-before-getting-in-the-vehicle-shotgun-call." The time before the his announcement was 24 hours, 32 minutes, and 15 seconds. However, the record is being disputed due to what is believed to be a primary rule of shotgun: One cannot advocate shotgun seating prior to 6 hours in advance.

IN THE NEWS: 17 MAY 2004

2004-05-17T10:00:00.003-06:00

PROM Date Arrives In Freshly Washed Pick-up

THERE Appers To Be Snow In The Parking Lot

NO Student Is Reading The SEB Annoucements

WEATHER: Partly cloudy with a 10% chance of attendence this week.

LEFTOVERS are being served at lunch, from 1967.

LHS FOOTBALL LOSES OUT OF SEASON

2004-05-17T10:00:00.002-06:00

Although the season ended months ago the Laramie High School Football team lost another game this weekend. Apparently the Green River track team challanged a member of the Varsity football team and the LHS student blew him off. This will surely go down in the record books as a loss. The football player, who will remain unnamed, says to the citizens of Laramie, "I am sorry, really, I didn't mean to get served." Although this reporter is not quite sure on what that means, I am sure that he has deep gratidude. This brings the Laramie football team to a record breaking low of 1 win, 16 loses (unoffical count). Hopefully this travesty of nature does not happen again. God bless LHS.

OUTBREAK OF REITREMENT SYNDROME REMAINS UNCONTAINED

2004-05-17T10:00:00.001-06:00

This week a case of Retirement spread the halls of Laramie High School. Such prominent figures as Mr. Fraiser and Mr. Mickelson are retireing and the syndrom is spreading. Who next? Mr. Durkee, Mr. Weiner? It is even effecting the younger teachers like Mrs. Willems who plan only teach part-time next year.

Retirement Syndrome (RTS) is doing the heaviest damage to elder mathematics teacher Mr. Mickelson. He has not been in attendence several times recently and is constantly caught day dreaming about Montana and fishing. In the past two weeks, unoffically, he has been gone 5 times. This will surly lead to the downfall of the school. Who will update Powerschool?

Mr. Fraiser, band teacher extrodinare, announced his retirement this week. To the dismay of few he will not join the roster of the LHS faculty next year. He, unlike Mickelson, is only in Phase I RTS and is not missing any school, teaching away (to the dismay of many).

Even the young are effected by RTS. Mrs. Willems, history teacher, has early developments of RTS. Doctors have traced the contamination to across the hall (Mr Mickelson's classroom). She plans on attending school only half of the time next year "part-time" as she refers to it. Her RTS has been strengthed by a case of needing to spend time with her son, William.

This reporter wonders, who next? Imagine a day where Mr. Durkee retires. The entire school could be left in shambles. Other older teachers would leave leave only fresh faces like Mr. Schabron. The school would become a joke, the football team would win, and I would belevie in God (not Jesus though). We all should hope that RTS does not spread beyond its current contaminted areas. Hope, students, hope...

WAR DECLARED IN THE HALLS OF LHS

2004-05-17T10:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday a solitary speech opened up what is to become one of the greatest wars our generation has ever seen. Billy Bob Jackson stood up to the lectern yesterday to declare war in the name of all that is good on the Hippys and other bad people of the Larmie High School. In his invigorating 42 second speech he warranted exaclty why the hippies were "fags," "queers," and other derogatroy insults. He promised a swift campaign with "shock and awe." Sounds familiar. Jackson also boasted the power of his militia that could crush the "infedels--er, um--hippys." The spokesperson also made vicious claims about chemical weapons, or something like that, unfortuanlty he has horrid speaking skills.

The hippy response was outrage that such a travesty of human nature would be called to the peaceful halls of LHS. "All we want is love," exclaimed Rain Kinloch. She contiued, "I will need to discuss this over time with my brothers and sisters." Other hippys are excited that this seperation will finally be resolved ending the simple segregation of the school. A formal government or legeslation is yet to unite the hippys as one and a development of equailty is expected.

According to our unnamed sources the latest methods of school warfare will be used. These weapons wil range from the common insult to the pummeling of bones. The Hicks main weapon of war is the "belt buckle." Ranging in size they are known to cause catstrophic damage. The source claims that the hippys are going to make chemical warfare with what he reffered to as "bongs." Because this ressource is commonly unknown to the highest intelligence of the hicks, it is expected to be most effective. Casulities are expected to be high and violence at a peak not seen since the Bread v. Toast battles.

Currently the ground held by the Hicks are the modules and Ag wing of the school. The hippys are in control of the entire second floor of the building. Tensions are high only 3 hours after the declaration and the heaviest fighting is expected in the main gym. Auxillary posts by neutral groups are the small gym, the swimming pool, and the history wing. It is expected that both forces are going to move quickly for control of bathrooms, a vital resource of war.

The cold war is still expected to turn hot.