LHS REMEMBERS BLACK HISTORY

In celebration of Black History Month, LHS has decided to try out indentured servitude of its students.

At this years LHS Honors Recgnition the Bakery Skills classes will be delighted to serve entrees and other delicous treats whether or not they are willed to do so.

The Honors Rocgnition Ceremon recognizes students' outstanding academic acheivement. Sophomores, juniors, and seniors must have maintained a 3.5 or better GPA to be recgonized for awesome-tude.

Thus, the bakery classes will play role of slave cooks to the aristrocratic smarty-pants type kids, who will be taking the role of the elite.

Robet Schimek, bakery instructor, stated, "Its really imporant we force theses kids against their will to cook for other people, using ingredients bought for teaching."

This teaching philosophy is folowed to the tee. Schimek has her students cater dishes for faculty meetings and buisness engagements.

One of the students involved was found preparing cucumbers for the event that will happen on April 3rd. When asked if they had an opinion on the method of teaching, Riley Urbanski said, "No, mas'a."

The Honors cermony is sure to go off well, celebrating all those students who managed to get "A"s in pottery and weightlifting, a truly difficult and demanding class load.

BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN SLACKERS...

Mike and I decided to publish a couple of shorts. You can find them below. Leave a comment, say hi, or otherwise just enjoy.

Included titles are:
--HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS MARRY AT MCDONALDS
--TEACHER UNABLE TO ATTEND SCHOOL, LOOKING FOR WHATEVER IS BEEPING
--FRENCH TEACHER FORCES STUDENT TO SPEAK IN FRENCH

--Joshua

HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS MARRY AT MCDONALDS

Call it a McMarriage. A couple from LHS actually tied the knot in a Mcdonald's drive-thru.

It looked like a regular fast food run at first - at least, until the priest showed up.

Through the same window all those Happy Meals pass, the groom took the hand of his fiance like a hungry man looking for a Big Mac.

The two LHS seniors had there very first lunch together three years earlier at the drive through, and in a white-trash romance announced their engagement at the order microphone, and tied the knot at the pick-up window.

Amid sobs from the boys mother, a hail of french fires replacd traditional throws of rice.

The culmanation of the event was when the newlywed wife tossed a cheeseburger bouqet back to the crowd.

TEACHER UNABLE TO ATTEND SCHOOL, LOOKING FOR WHATEVER IS BEEPING

Meaghan Gibson, LHS Social Stuides teacher, has spent 20 minutes searching her apartment for whatever the hell is emitting a high-pitched beep every few minutes.

"Okay, it's not my cell phone... it's not my microwave... or my car-alarm remote," said Gibson, standing motionless with an ear cocked toward her entertainment center.

"God, what is it? Can a power strip beep?"

At press time, Gibson was on her hands and knees, unplugging her appliances one by one.

FRENCH TEACHER FORCES STUDENT TO SPEAK IN FRENCH

Jenny Block, a LHS tenth-grader, attempted to tell French teacher Mrs. Kirkwood about a fire in the girls' second-floor bathroom Monday, only to be ordered to speak French.

"En français," Kirkwood told the frantic, wildly gesticulating Block. "S'il y a un feu dans le WC, dites-moi dans la langue propre. D'accord?"

Block then tried to say, "Allyson Dorner threw a lit cigarette in the garbage, and it burst into flames, and now there's a huge fire spreading all over the bathroom!" in French, but got stuck on the word for "threw."

Half of an hour later, only 6 students had suffered from serious burns.

CELL PHONE LOST, FOUND, ALL IN THRILLING FOUR-MINUTE PERIOD

Emotions quickly changed from panic to joy for Laramie High senior Lauren Jenkins when she lost, searched for, and found her Nokia 6230 Verizon Wireless cell phone Tuesday.

"All of a sudden, my phone was gone!" said Jenkins, 17, who was headed for her second block AP Lit class when she realized the cell phone was no longer in her right pants pocket. "I was like, 'Omigod!' I looked through my coat and dug through my entire backpack, but it wasn't anywhere."

By the time Jenkins failed her search of the backpack, 48 seconds had passed.

"My heart was racing," Jenkins said. "I mentally went through all of the places I'd been since leaving my last class: the bathroom on the second floor, the bench out in front of the Main Office, by the vending machines where I saw my friend Julliane."

Continued Jenkins: "I stopped right there in the middle of the sidewalk for a few seconds, took a deep breath to calm my nerves, and tried to think. That's when I remembered taking it out to see what time it was when I was at school cafeteria!"

Scanning the ground for any sign of her small, silver camera-phone as she walked, Jenkins retraced the 350 feet back to the cafeteria.

"All the way, I was visualizing the hours it would take to enter all my phone numbers into a new phone," Jenkins said. "And that's for the ones I remember. A lot of the numbers would be, like, totally gone forever."

Jenkins added that she hadn't "even wanted to think about" all the ring tones and camera-phone photos she'd lose.

With the search entering its second minute, Jenkins went into the cafeteria, where she said she saw the dirty plate and glass she'd left in the dish tray a few minutes before, after consuming a bannana smoothie and a poppy-seed bagel.

As the search dragged on into its 200th second, Jenkins said she continued to consider the magnitude of the hassle that a lost cell phone would create.

"I knew I wouldn't have time to shop for a new phone until the weekend, so I'd be phoneless for a few days," Jenkins said. "Also, I'd been considering whether to switch from Verizon Wireless to another carrier, but I really didn't want to have to rush that decision."

Jenkins went to the table where she'd been sitting, tapped the shoulder of one of the two females seated there, and asked permission to look around for her phone.

"Oh, is that it?" the woman said, and Jenkins spotted her familiar silver phone under a chair.

"I was like, 'Yes!'" Jenkins said. "Every ounce of stress drained from my body."

According to her, it was only when she located the cell phone that she noticed her clenched teeth, tensed neck muscles, and sweaty palms.

"I let all that tension go," Jenkins, "It was a magical feeling."

Jenkins slipped into a bean bag chair in Nicole Elder's room and tried to catch her breath. Slumped in her seat, she said she scanned the faces of her classmates as they leafed through notebooks, chatted, and laughed.

"The other students had no idea what I'd just been through," Jenkinsz said. "It was such a relief when Ms. Elder started class, so I could zone out and try to forget the whole thing."

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Happy Holidays, folks.

GUMMI BEARS BANNED, DEEMED 'TOO VIOLENT'

Today, the administration officially banned any form of “gummy bear or gummy animals” from LHS.

The latest in a rather large series of bans comes from the office of Mr. Handley after seeing a report on teenage violence and aggression.

“The report said that kids actually get more aggressive from playing with toy weapons and beating up stuffed animals,” Mr. Handley explained, “it just made sense that the same could be said about horribly mutilating food animals, and I will not stand for any aggression in my hallways.”

The ban has been praised by quasi-PETA, the organization dedicated to the quasi-ethical treatment of quasi-animal like things. According to a quasi-PETA press release, the ban is getting a quasi-step closer to respecting all quasi-animal like items.

“The administration of LHS has made a quasi-courageous move and is quasi-helping restore the quasi-reverence that should be paid to quasi-animal like things.”

When asked why the administration is making all these nonsensical bans, Mr. Sorenson responded, “Why not? Who is going to stop us? You? HA!”

According to an unnamed administrative assistant, “They’re at it again.”